Gray Days

Gray Days............we have A LOT of them in the Pacific Northwest. Seattle is know as the place where it rains 9 months out of the year. And the old joke that summer doesn't start until July 5th isn't funny anymore to this former San Diego native who NEEDS her some sun; AND NOW! 

  But what happens when your insides (your heart, soul, and mind) feel as gray as the Puget Sound sky?  Just like the Puget Sound Convergence Zone, sometimes our lives become unstable due to converging storms.  The winds blow and the rains come. More than we can take. 

The black cloud of depression is stirred by old family-of-origin wounds resurfacing. Over-commitment. Worry over the children's futures.  Financial, relational and job stress. A father's illness. Crazy pre-menopausal hormones, and a lack of Vitamin D. The cloud hangs overhead; heavy, dark, ominous. 

Please, God, find me in the rain. 

Until this storm passes and the sun shines again, 

Hillsong's Forever Reign 

is my anthem. 

And pass me 4,000 IU's of Vitamin D, stat! 

Burdens not meant to carry

If you were walking through your neighborhood one day and noticed a fresh pile of dog droppings in your neighbor's yard would you "be helpful" and pick it up for them? Would you be "so kind" as to bring out your shovel, scoop up that nasty pile, and throw it on your own property to help out your neighbor?

Of course, not!

But I realize I've done this many times if my life as I "scoop up" the problems of others and make them my own.

Note: This is not the same as feeling empathy for one whose marriage is in trouble or saddened for a family whose child is ill.

What I have done is take on another's burden as if it were my own; as if it were my own marriage or my own child coupled with the feeling that I'm responsible for easing the pain, solving the issue, making it better. I own it and therefore, if the marriage falls apart or the child stays sick, it is somehow my fault "for not doing enough", giving the wrong advice, not praying enough, etc. The guilty feelings linger with me long after the issue is gone.

It's equivalent to picking up dog droppings from someone else's yard and putting it on your own property.

Note to self: I'm not the owner of the dog and therefore not responsible for the dog's mess and I certainly am not required to bring the pile to my house.

Unfortunately, I have done this "scooping" in an emotional sense.

But why?

As a child of a narcissistic parent, simply stated, it became my responsibility to "make/keep mama happy". I told my siblings how to behave (read~ I was the parent when I should have been being a kid) and when they didn't behave it was my fault they had upset her. So now, even as an adult, I have the same tendencies toward "keeping the peace" and doing everything I can to make things right for everyone. Quoting from Children of the Self-Absorbed, by Nina Brown. "Emotionally susceptible people...are prone to getting caught up in others' emotions without the ability to pull away. They don't have strong emotional boundaries and can easily be taken over with others' emotions. They start out trying to empathize but do not have the firm understanding of where they end and others begin. This leads to their assuming the emotions of the other person~whether they want to or not."



But it finally becomes a burden too heavy to bear. And God would not want us to carry it. He wants us to lay our burdens down at His feet. He tells us His yoke is easy and His burden is light.


If He's asking me to lay down my burden...

Then, it's high time I put away the shovel.


Forgive me, Father, for taking on what only You were meant to carry. My arms and back are too weak and not meant to carry the weight of the world. But Jesus, Your arms stretched out to me and Your back reveals the scars of my burden. Show me when and how to help others and when I'm to allow YOU to help them.
In Jesus Name, Amen~