Good To Me

Good to Me~

We've sung it many times before but this past Sunday it struck me.
The words became my prayer...a lifeline...
a cry...to My Savior.

I cry out
For Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need Your love to free me

Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me, oh, LordMy chest aches, the tears began to fall...and I let them. I'm alone with My Savior... in a sea of saintly voices...it's just Me... longing for my Lord to rescue me from all the heartache and pain. I sense His presence. I'm no longer singing...I'm too awed at how much Jesus loves me. His love is flowing over me and freeing me from the bondage of fear and doubt that envelopes me so often. He reminds me again that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He hears the cry of my heart even when I can't speak a word.

You are my hope
Your promise never fails me
And my desire
is to follow you foreverMy desire...I have let worry and fear rob me of my desire to serve (love) You. I've followed other desires. I've let others lead me but I've been left wanting. You are my hope, Lord. Your promise never fails me. Forgive me for looking elsewhere. My desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to meI want to keep singing this~ For You are good.
For YOU are Good. For You ARE Good. For You are GOOD!!
Yes, Lord. You are so good to me. Why do I choose to listen to the lies that say "she has no value", "who needs her anyway" when You are SO GOOD TO ME?? I only want to hear Your voice, Lord.

The song ends and the tears ebb but my heart is changed. My Lord met me in worship that day. And I'm so glad He did.

Burdens not meant to carry

If you were walking through your neighborhood one day and noticed a fresh pile of dog droppings in your neighbor's yard would you "be helpful" and pick it up for them? Would you be "so kind" as to bring out your shovel, scoop up that nasty pile, and throw it on your own property to help out your neighbor?

Of course, not!

But I realize I've done this many times if my life as I "scoop up" the problems of others and make them my own.

Note: This is not the same as feeling empathy for one whose marriage is in trouble or saddened for a family whose child is ill.

What I have done is take on another's burden as if it were my own; as if it were my own marriage or my own child coupled with the feeling that I'm responsible for easing the pain, solving the issue, making it better. I own it and therefore, if the marriage falls apart or the child stays sick, it is somehow my fault "for not doing enough", giving the wrong advice, not praying enough, etc. The guilty feelings linger with me long after the issue is gone.

It's equivalent to picking up dog droppings from someone else's yard and putting it on your own property.

Note to self: I'm not the owner of the dog and therefore not responsible for the dog's mess and I certainly am not required to bring the pile to my house.

Unfortunately, I have done this "scooping" in an emotional sense.

But why?

As a child of a narcissistic parent, simply stated, it became my responsibility to "make/keep mama happy". I told my siblings how to behave (read~ I was the parent when I should have been being a kid) and when they didn't behave it was my fault they had upset her. So now, even as an adult, I have the same tendencies toward "keeping the peace" and doing everything I can to make things right for everyone. Quoting from Children of the Self-Absorbed, by Nina Brown. "Emotionally susceptible people...are prone to getting caught up in others' emotions without the ability to pull away. They don't have strong emotional boundaries and can easily be taken over with others' emotions. They start out trying to empathize but do not have the firm understanding of where they end and others begin. This leads to their assuming the emotions of the other person~whether they want to or not."



But it finally becomes a burden too heavy to bear. And God would not want us to carry it. He wants us to lay our burdens down at His feet. He tells us His yoke is easy and His burden is light.


If He's asking me to lay down my burden...

Then, it's high time I put away the shovel.


Forgive me, Father, for taking on what only You were meant to carry. My arms and back are too weak and not meant to carry the weight of the world. But Jesus, Your arms stretched out to me and Your back reveals the scars of my burden. Show me when and how to help others and when I'm to allow YOU to help them.
In Jesus Name, Amen~

prayer card

She handed me a blank card and asked me to write my prayer on it. She promised to pray for me. That was a year ago. My heart's desire for restoration with my mother was on that card.

There had not been much contact with her over the past thirteen years but I still held out hope that the relationship could be mended.

And then God began to move. I saw mom during my high school reunion this past summer and it seemed promising. Maybe this time, things could be different. Maybe we could get past the hurts, start fresh, and build a new adult-to-adult relationship? I was hopeful and willing. God orchestrated other meetings, chance encounters. Wow! Was God going to finally answer my prayer and bring peace to this relationship?

Not in the way I had hoped, but God was movng. He revealed truth and He began to change my heart.

I'm faced with the reality that I will never have the kind of mother-daughter relationship that I longed for........because she is incapable. You see, she's Narcissistic.

She CAN'T love me back! Her narcissism doesn't allow it. And I'm coming to terms with it. I'm learning to recognize it and change my responses to it. I'm learning to trust the Holy Spirit in me by not allowing others to be my Holy Spirit. I've had to let go of any expectation of normalcy and get to a place of acceptance. God is walking with me.

I'm also learning (My ability to love does not have to be contingent on her response. I do not have to have her acceptance or blessing to continue in my mission to be loving.)

I can choose LOVE, and FORGIVENESS freely. It no longer comes from guilt, shame, or a desperate need to be loved. I can love her because Jesus is in me. His perfect love casts out all fear. God is showing me how to love like Him. He loved me when I was incapable of loving Him in return. While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me!

Tonight, I was handed a blank card and was asked to write down my prayer for the upcoming year.

Tonight, I don't NEED anything. I have LOVE. A love from my Savior that surpasses all others.
Thank you, Jesus for loving me. Your love will never fail.

Still Waves

Welcome to Still Waves~

I took the name from Psalm 107:29

He calms the storm,

So that its waves are still.

Being from San Diego, I have an affinity for the beach. I love the feel of warm sand between my toes, the sun on my face, the smell of the ocean breeze, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. But many times, I've felt tossed around by this tempest called Life and have come to realize that only Jesus can calm the storms and still the waves.

While I'm not sure if this blog will turn out to be random thoughts, "a day-in-the-life", or perhaps a place for others to find encouragement, I do hope it will be a place of "Still Waves" for those who stop by for a visit.

Sometimes He Calms the Storm
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

by Scott Kirppayne~