She handed me a blank card and asked me to write my prayer on it. She promised to pray for me. That was a year ago. My heart's desire for restoration with my mother was on that card.
There had not been much contact with her over the past thirteen years but I still held out hope that the relationship could be mended.
And then God began to move. I saw mom during my high school reunion this past summer and it seemed promising. Maybe this time, things could be different. Maybe we could get past the hurts, start fresh, and build a new adult-to-adult relationship? I was hopeful and willing. God orchestrated other meetings, chance encounters. Wow! Was God going to finally answer my prayer and bring peace to this relationship?
Not in the way I had hoped, but God was movng. He revealed truth and He began to change my heart.
I'm faced with the reality that I will never have the kind of mother-daughter relationship that I longed for........because she is incapable. You see, she's Narcissistic.
She CAN'T love me back! Her narcissism doesn't allow it. And I'm coming to terms with it. I'm learning to recognize it and change my responses to it. I'm learning to trust the Holy Spirit in me by not allowing others to be my Holy Spirit. I've had to let go of any expectation of normalcy and get to a place of acceptance. God is walking with me.
I'm also learning (My ability to love does not have to be contingent on her response. I do not have to have her acceptance or blessing to continue in my mission to be loving.)
I can choose LOVE, and FORGIVENESS freely. It no longer comes from guilt, shame, or a desperate need to be loved. I can love her because Jesus is in me. His perfect love casts out all fear. God is showing me how to love like Him. He loved me when I was incapable of loving Him in return. While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me!
Tonight, I was handed a blank card and was asked to write down my prayer for the upcoming year.
Tonight, I don't NEED anything. I have LOVE. A love from my Savior that surpasses all others.
Thank you, Jesus for loving me. Your love will never fail.
5 comments:
Kari,
Yay, you're blogging! I added you to my blogroll, hope you don't mind. ;) Beautiful post. I could see your heart in this. ((hugs))
I love how the Holy Spirit is teaching us all the same thing - love. It's the coolest thing how He knits our hearts together.
I loved what you said, "My ability to love does not have to be contingent on her response. I do not have to have her acceptance or blessing to continue in my mission to be loving."
God is teaching me this in all my relationships. I am so slow to learn and I'm so thankful for His patience.
Love the writing! Keep it up. :) Love ya!
p.s. How many times did I say "love" in this reply? lol
Kari,
You are one of the most loving people I know. Watching you with your boys last night reminded that there will be lots of happy times when mine grows up, not just the sadness of losing the "little" boy. Rest assured, no matter what your mother has done or not done, YOU are a wonderful mom.
I love you! :)
Kim and Suzzanne~ Thank you for your kinds words. Entering into "blog world" is kinda scary but your sweet and gentle words eased my nerves.
I'm so glad He's brought you to a place of peace, Kari. That was beautiful.
Wow Kari, You totally blessed my heart. God is SO GOOD! Isn't it wonderful how He answers, not always how we think, but always the best and for our best.
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