My Grammy

JoHannah~

It's where I get my middle name, Jo. I have her hips and slender body.
She reminded me often that I was the only grandchild to know her first husband. Somehow, that made me feel special. She loved me and wasn't afraid to show it. There was no question, no doubt of her love for me.

And now she's gone. She passed away on March 10th of this year. She was in her late 80's.

The last time I saw her was at my younger brother's wedding. She had become fragile, her speech very limited, and she was now confined to a wheelchair and yet it showed on her face that she was happy to be at the wedding and around all the family. I had a chance to sit with her for awhile at the reception and she just kept looking into my eyes. Deep, deep, deep, as if she was looking into my soul. She stroked my face with both hands and said
I love you. I believed her. It's my last memory of her and I cherish that special time we shared together.

Now, whenever I think of love... Jesus' love... I always see my Grammy's face.
Of all the ways I'm like her, I pray that I would have her capacity to LOVE the most.

I miss you, Grammy~

Gift From the Sea-part two

The quiet hum of the computer. The whirring of the ceiling fan. A faint tick-tock of the clock. The tinkling of the wind chimes from the front porch. That's all. No TV, no radio, no voices. It's quiet here at home today and my heart is calm before the Lord. We all need the sound of silence so that we can hear from the One whose voice matters most.

Revisiting the book, Gift From the Sea, Ms. Lindbergh refers to it as "solitude". And she says we are frightened by it. "How one hates to think of oneself as alone. How one avoids it. It seems to imply rejection or unpopularity...We seem so frightened today of being alone that we never let it happen. Even if family, friends, and movies should fail, there is still the radio or television to fill up the void." "...we choke the space with continuous music, chatter, and companionship to which we do not even listen."

A line from a familiar song comes to mind~
in the secret
in the quiet place
in the stillness
You are there From page 44, she writes "For it is not physical solitude that actually separates one from other men, not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."

I've grown to understand personally what she means by this. I've longed for quiet, sound-less-ness but never gave in to its call, instead hearing voices that tell me I'm selfish for wanting to be alone, I'm not taking care of my responsibilities as mother and wife if I chose to sit and read my bible for 15 minutes rather than fold another load of laundry.

This is not a call to selfishness or even self-preservation. It's about taking, better yet, making time for self-renewal. To stop long enough to take a breath, to stop serving others and refuel yourself. Jesus gives us this example in Matthew 14:22 "And after He had sent the multitudes away, He went up to the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone."

We, as women, need to have our cup refilled so that it can spill out on to others. We cannot get or give nourishment from an empty cup. Christ wants to fill our cup to overflowing but He can't if he's chasing after us with His pitcher because we won't sit still. Have you ever tried to pour juice in a cup held by a wiggling toddler? Most of it ends up on the counter or floor. We must stop awhile and allow God to pour His spirit into our hearts.

Here's how the author explains it. "She wants perpetually to spill herself away. All her instinct as a woman~the eternal nourisher of children, of men, of society~demands that she give. Her time, her energy, her creativeness drain out in the channels if there is any chance, any leak. Traditionally, we are taught, and instinctively we long, to give where it is needed~and immediately. Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim."
But why?

"...mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off...apparently not considering occasional time to themselves as a justified need...If women were convinced that a day off or an hour of solitude was a reasonable ambition, they would find a way of attaining it...as it is, they feel so unjustified in their demand that they rarely make the attempt." "If one sets aside time for a business appointment, a trip to the hairdresser, a social engagement, or a shopping expedition, that time is accepted as inviolable. But if one says: I cannot come because that is my hour to be alone, one is considered rude, egotistical or strange. What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it~like a secret vice!...but women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves;"

We need it to reconnect with our loving Father whose pitcher is full and wants nothing more than to sit with us and fill our cups. The idea here is not to drop everything and sit contemplatively while the world revolves around us and we no longer contribute to its function. We need to learn "to still the soul in the midst of its activities...

to be the still axis within the revolving wheel of relationships, obligations, and activities."

The door opens...hubby bursts in with hands to my shoulders ,a quick kiss to my cheek and after being alone an almost too loud, "How was your day, honey?"

The silence is broken but my cup runneth over.

Gift From the Sea-part one

I've been reading LOTS of books this year, mostly "self-help" type books. You know the ones, how to be a better *whatever* (fill in the blank with mother, wife, teacher, housekeeper, cook, Christian, etc.) I've also read several psychology books trying to learn more about Narcissism and the impact it had on me as a child and how to overcome the past so I can live "a normal life" as an adult. But, the book that impacted me the most this year was Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. If I recall correctly, I was given this book as a teenager or young adult but I just didn't "get it" back then. I think one must have experienced a bit of life as a woman, mother, wife to receive its fullness. Reading it at 43 brought fresh insight into the author's wisdom. Mrs. Lindbergh is the wife of Charles Lindbergh the famous aviator and together they went through the tragedy of child abduction (their child was kidnapped, held for ransom, and eventually found dead back in the 1930's.) The book, originally written in the 50's, but so relevant for today, is her journal, of sorts, of time spent on the beach reconnecting with herself, God, and finding that inner-balance that we as women so desperately seek. She uses the term "shedding" to describe how she must get to a simpler life.

From page 25 she writes, "I mean to lead a simple life, to choose a simple shell I can carry easily-like a hermit crab. But I do not. I find that my frame of life does not foster simplicity. My husband and five children must make their way in the world. The life I have chosen...involves a house in the suburbs...food and shelter; meals, planning, marketing, bills, and making the ends meet in a thousand ways. It involves not only the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker but countless other experts to keep my modern house with its modern "simplifications" running properly. It involves health; doctors, dentists, appointments, medicine, cod-liver oil, vitamins, trips to the drugstore. It involves education; spiritual, intellectual, physical; schools...car-pools, extra trips for basketball or orchestra practice; tutoring; camps, camp equipment and transportation. It involves clothes, shopping, laundry, cleaning, mending, letting skirts down and sewing buttons on, or finding someone else to do it. It involves friends, my husband's, my children's, my own, and endless arrangements to get together; letters, invitations, telephone calls and transportation hither and yon."

This is SO my life and yet like Ms. Morrow I LONG for simplicity.

She goes on..."This is not the life of simplicity but the life of multiplicity...It leads not to unification but to fragmentation. It does not bring grace; it destroys the soul."

"One learns first of all in beach living the art of shedding; how little one can get along with, not how much."

She speaks of shedding our vanity by living out of a small suitcase of clothing rather than a closet full. Shedding pride by letting go of our "Martha-like anxiety about many things". Shedding hypocrisy in relationships. Taking off the mask.

So what do I plan to shed this year? Besides, the few holiday pounds? I plan to shed the books about becoming a better anything. While it might help in the short term, I'm always left feeling unworthy or not good enough or worse, that I need "to do MORE". I'm letting go of the self-help and "how-to's". I feel a prompting to search for the answers in His Book. To sift what I have learned through the filter of God's word ALONE. If it's important for me to learn, the Holy Spirit will guide me in all truth. So, if I get the urge to "figure it all out", get a hankerin' for "what's new" in the library, or hear about the latest, greatest book on how to get closer to God, I plan to grab my bible and a cup of tea instead.

Galatians 5: 1,18
It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. ...if you are lead by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Good To Me

Good to Me~

We've sung it many times before but this past Sunday it struck me.
The words became my prayer...a lifeline...
a cry...to My Savior.

I cry out
For Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need Your love to free me

Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me, oh, LordMy chest aches, the tears began to fall...and I let them. I'm alone with My Savior... in a sea of saintly voices...it's just Me... longing for my Lord to rescue me from all the heartache and pain. I sense His presence. I'm no longer singing...I'm too awed at how much Jesus loves me. His love is flowing over me and freeing me from the bondage of fear and doubt that envelopes me so often. He reminds me again that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He hears the cry of my heart even when I can't speak a word.

You are my hope
Your promise never fails me
And my desire
is to follow you foreverMy desire...I have let worry and fear rob me of my desire to serve (love) You. I've followed other desires. I've let others lead me but I've been left wanting. You are my hope, Lord. Your promise never fails me. Forgive me for looking elsewhere. My desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to meI want to keep singing this~ For You are good.
For YOU are Good. For You ARE Good. For You are GOOD!!
Yes, Lord. You are so good to me. Why do I choose to listen to the lies that say "she has no value", "who needs her anyway" when You are SO GOOD TO ME?? I only want to hear Your voice, Lord.

The song ends and the tears ebb but my heart is changed. My Lord met me in worship that day. And I'm so glad He did.

Burdens not meant to carry

If you were walking through your neighborhood one day and noticed a fresh pile of dog droppings in your neighbor's yard would you "be helpful" and pick it up for them? Would you be "so kind" as to bring out your shovel, scoop up that nasty pile, and throw it on your own property to help out your neighbor?

Of course, not!

But I realize I've done this many times if my life as I "scoop up" the problems of others and make them my own.

Note: This is not the same as feeling empathy for one whose marriage is in trouble or saddened for a family whose child is ill.

What I have done is take on another's burden as if it were my own; as if it were my own marriage or my own child coupled with the feeling that I'm responsible for easing the pain, solving the issue, making it better. I own it and therefore, if the marriage falls apart or the child stays sick, it is somehow my fault "for not doing enough", giving the wrong advice, not praying enough, etc. The guilty feelings linger with me long after the issue is gone.

It's equivalent to picking up dog droppings from someone else's yard and putting it on your own property.

Note to self: I'm not the owner of the dog and therefore not responsible for the dog's mess and I certainly am not required to bring the pile to my house.

Unfortunately, I have done this "scooping" in an emotional sense.

But why?

As a child of a narcissistic parent, simply stated, it became my responsibility to "make/keep mama happy". I told my siblings how to behave (read~ I was the parent when I should have been being a kid) and when they didn't behave it was my fault they had upset her. So now, even as an adult, I have the same tendencies toward "keeping the peace" and doing everything I can to make things right for everyone. Quoting from Children of the Self-Absorbed, by Nina Brown. "Emotionally susceptible people...are prone to getting caught up in others' emotions without the ability to pull away. They don't have strong emotional boundaries and can easily be taken over with others' emotions. They start out trying to empathize but do not have the firm understanding of where they end and others begin. This leads to their assuming the emotions of the other person~whether they want to or not."



But it finally becomes a burden too heavy to bear. And God would not want us to carry it. He wants us to lay our burdens down at His feet. He tells us His yoke is easy and His burden is light.


If He's asking me to lay down my burden...

Then, it's high time I put away the shovel.


Forgive me, Father, for taking on what only You were meant to carry. My arms and back are too weak and not meant to carry the weight of the world. But Jesus, Your arms stretched out to me and Your back reveals the scars of my burden. Show me when and how to help others and when I'm to allow YOU to help them.
In Jesus Name, Amen~

prayer card

She handed me a blank card and asked me to write my prayer on it. She promised to pray for me. That was a year ago. My heart's desire for restoration with my mother was on that card.

There had not been much contact with her over the past thirteen years but I still held out hope that the relationship could be mended.

And then God began to move. I saw mom during my high school reunion this past summer and it seemed promising. Maybe this time, things could be different. Maybe we could get past the hurts, start fresh, and build a new adult-to-adult relationship? I was hopeful and willing. God orchestrated other meetings, chance encounters. Wow! Was God going to finally answer my prayer and bring peace to this relationship?

Not in the way I had hoped, but God was movng. He revealed truth and He began to change my heart.

I'm faced with the reality that I will never have the kind of mother-daughter relationship that I longed for........because she is incapable. You see, she's Narcissistic.

She CAN'T love me back! Her narcissism doesn't allow it. And I'm coming to terms with it. I'm learning to recognize it and change my responses to it. I'm learning to trust the Holy Spirit in me by not allowing others to be my Holy Spirit. I've had to let go of any expectation of normalcy and get to a place of acceptance. God is walking with me.

I'm also learning (My ability to love does not have to be contingent on her response. I do not have to have her acceptance or blessing to continue in my mission to be loving.)

I can choose LOVE, and FORGIVENESS freely. It no longer comes from guilt, shame, or a desperate need to be loved. I can love her because Jesus is in me. His perfect love casts out all fear. God is showing me how to love like Him. He loved me when I was incapable of loving Him in return. While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me!

Tonight, I was handed a blank card and was asked to write down my prayer for the upcoming year.

Tonight, I don't NEED anything. I have LOVE. A love from my Savior that surpasses all others.
Thank you, Jesus for loving me. Your love will never fail.

Still Waves

Welcome to Still Waves~

I took the name from Psalm 107:29

He calms the storm,

So that its waves are still.

Being from San Diego, I have an affinity for the beach. I love the feel of warm sand between my toes, the sun on my face, the smell of the ocean breeze, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. But many times, I've felt tossed around by this tempest called Life and have come to realize that only Jesus can calm the storms and still the waves.

While I'm not sure if this blog will turn out to be random thoughts, "a day-in-the-life", or perhaps a place for others to find encouragement, I do hope it will be a place of "Still Waves" for those who stop by for a visit.

Sometimes He Calms the Storm
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

by Scott Kirppayne~